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Funny Sarcastic One Liners Jokes

A small collection of the most funniest and sarcastic one liners on the web. Read it - enjoy it - share it.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Just because I don’t care doesn’t mean I don’t understand.

A conclusion is the part where you got tired of thinking.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

Two wrongs don’t make a right, take your parents as an example.

If I wanted to kill myself I’d climb your ego and jump to your IQ.

Accept that some days you are the pigeon, and some days you are the statue. - Dilbert

Always remember that you are absolutely unique... Just like everyone else...

As the joker said, if you are good at something why do it for free...

Avoid arguments about the toilet seat...use the sink...

don’t regret doing things, regret getting caught

I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

I always tell new hires, don’t think of me as your boss, think of me as your friend who can fire you.

Congratulations, If you press the elevator button three times it goes into hurry mode – really...

Dear Lord, there is a bug in your software...it’s called #Monday, please fix it...

Dear Lord: The gods have been good to me. For the first time in my life, everything is absolutely perfect just the way it is. So here’s the deal: You freeze everything the way it is, and I won’t ask for anything more. If that is OK, please give me absolutely no sign. OK, deal. In gratitude, I present you this offering of cookies and milk. If you want me to eat them for you, give me no sign. Thy will be done.

Don’t take life too seriously, you won’t get out alive.

Even people who are good for nothing can bring smile on your face, when pushed down the stairs...

Facebook is telling me to ’reconnect’ with my brother...hmmm, I see him everyday :D

Going to temple/church/mosque doesn’t make you a human, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car...

’Gods are fragile things, they may be killed by a whiff of science or a dose of common sense.’ - Chapman Cohen (1868 - 1954)

Honesty is the best policy but insanity is the best defense.

HOW DO I TURN OFF CAPS LOCK? I ACCIDENTALLY TURNED IT ON YESTERDAY AND I DON’T KNOW HOW TO TURN IT BACK OFF. ALL MY FRIENDS ARE MAD BECAUSE THEY THINK I AM SHOUTING AT THEM OVER INTERNET. PLEASE HELP!!!

I didn t climb to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian...

I love my life, but it just wants to be friends...

I never admit or deny anything it makes things more interesting.

I saw weird stuff in that place last night. Weird, strange, sick, twisted, gross, godless, evil stuff... and I want it (:

I think they picked me for my motivational skills. Everyone always says they have to work twice as hard when I’m around!

I wasn’t lying, I was just writing fiction with my mouth

I wonder where my brother is, his lunch is getting all cold ... ... ... and eaten... :P

I’m not your type. I’m not inflatable.

If a stranger offers you a piece of candy...take two...

I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

I can totally keep secrets. It’s the people I tell them to that can’t.

If I promise to miss you, will you go away?

If something goes wrong at the office, blame the guy who can’t speak English...

If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

I’m a prince in Lagos, Nigeria and I want you to help me move $500 million out of the country.

I’m not a bad guy! I work hard, and I love my kids. So why should I spend half my Sunday hearing about how I’m going to Hell?

I’m Only Here For The Free Food

I’m smiling. This should scare you.

It takes patience to listen.. it takes skill to pretend you’re listening.

It takes two to lie... One to lie and one to listen...

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they speak.

Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.

My internet is so slow, it’s just faster to drive to the Google headquarters and ask them shit in person.

My IQ came back negative :P

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don’t care and the other 80% are glad you have them...

No Déjà vu please...I Don’t want to go through that again

Oh... I didn’t tell you... Then It must be none of your business...

Oh... Sorry... Did you mistake me for someone who cares?

People say that laughter is the best medicine...my face must be curing the world!

Please don’t eat me! I have a wife and kids... ... ...Eat them!

Remember, everyone seems normal until you get to know them...

Shut up, will you?” “Oh, I’m sorry, Your Highness, should I go get you your coffee and tea now?

Sometimes the only way you can feel good about yourself is by making someone else look bad. And I’m tired of making other people feel good about themselves!

Suicide: Mans way of telling God - ’You can’t fire me, I quit’.

THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

The best things in life are free *plus shipping and handling*

The grass may be greener on the other side but at least you don’t have to mow it.

There is no ’me’ in team. No, wait, yes there is!

Think Im Sarcastic? Watch Me Pretend To Care!

Uh, no, you got the wrong number. This is 9-1-2.

Upgrade your weekend: Take Monday Off...

Waitress: ’Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ’What kind of font is this?’

We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.

WHY GOD? WHY ONLY ME? WHY YOU ARE DOING THIS TO ME... Didn’t we had a deal that I never get old :’(

You can’t be a real country unless you have a BEER and an airline - it helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a BEER.

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